We Never Do It Alone

Because we aren't meant to.

Hello.

I’ve been having an intense week. We are in the meat of the eclipse sandwich that I mentioned, so my private little shit show feels right on time. The astrology does play out in my life like clock work because I use this ancient technology to align myself with the rhythm and cycles of the earth and sky. I like it that way.

Using astrology and tarot has brought me more blessings than I can count. They strengthen my intuition and help me look at my experiences from many perspectives. Despite how hard it is to go against the grain of the materialistic world of separation we are in, bringing the cosmos to life in my life makes me feel part of the Universe. It reminds me that hard transits are providing the friction and discomfort required for my growth. That’s how it works. No pain, no gain in the maturation of our consciousness.

It is spiritual immaturity to think you aren’t effected by the energies of the world around, above and below you.

It is spiritual immaturity to avoid discomfort, awkwardness, disagreements and conflict.

Life is not about feeling good, it’s about growth.

It is spiritual immaturity to believe there is anything “out there” to fix.

We live in a fractal hologram where our souls CHOOSE to incarnate in a dense physical world in order to have the experience of re-membering who we are— on a soul level— which is a one-of-a-kind unique proprietary blend of Source Sauce that will never happen again ever in all Creation. On a soul level, we chose and created all of this.

So, why aren’t we having the blissful rememberance and reunion yet?

Well…I’m going to be really fucking honest here— people are using “boundaries” as avoidance. It’s so easy to shut people out of your life and never talk to them again. People are unwilling to have vulnerable, awkward and complex conversations. People think they can read shit online and not actually apply it to their lives=— what I call the “Influencer vs. Artist” delusion. People are telling themselves really fucking dumb stories about being permanently sick, wounded, damaged to avoid actually becoming healthy, whole and healed.

I’m really at my wits end with it.

Do you guys have any idea how deeply I’ve worked on myself since my life fell apart in 2015? It’s been a long lonely slog since then. I go back and forth between raging against the dying of the light, then retreating back into my hermit shell to work on myself, then coming back out when I have a ball of light to share…and then it gets squashed again so I go back inside myself. I keep waiting for people to be ready to stop projecting their shit and freaking out for dumb ass immature reasons. I have had to develop so much strength in order to hold onto COMPLEXITY for all of us.

Do you know how tired I am of men seeing me in ONE fucking dimension— sexual. Ever the bridesmaid, not the bride…well, hell…I’m not even date-able— because men couldn’t possibly take ME seriously as a partner to build a life with. Even my own ex-husband thought he could toss me out and just go get a fresher one, that’s not asking him to do anything different. As if I’m something to look at until it gets inconvenient.

If I try to be my full technicolor sexo-mystica mermaid high priestess self they tell me to I should try being more palatable to more people. That I scare people. They like my art when it reaffirms what they want, not when I’m actually expressing myself. They want someone less complicated, not someone powerful. They don’t want a woman who is actually capable of assisting the life-long growth of their soul and who is worthy of dreaming alongside at night.

Yet, I believe in sacred partnership, where we help each other grow into the best version of oursevles. It takes the sun and moon both. We need to be that for each other, in many configurations.

Do you know how tired I am of women hating and trying to destroy me from twisted jealousy? As if my beauty, creativity, wisdom and health don’t require a shit ton of work. As if I have not cultivated my inner radiance at great personal expense in this upside down world? Jealousy is covered in depth in classic books such as The Artist’s Way— where you are taught to see jealousy as a neon sign pointing to the areas you have neglected in yourself. It’s a fucking basic lesson of maturity in my mind, yet it is a seething shadow that most women won’t even look at, let alone transform in themselves.

Do you know how tired I am of being the light for people who don’t believe what I do is more than a glorified hobby? How many people will take the benefits of my joy, time, talents, wisdom, hard work, great advice and the spiritual light and protection I carry around with me all the time— like I don’t deserve to be paid or reciprocated for spinning a magical experience for and around them? As if it’s nothing.

We are taught to devalue these things.

This was all part of the program of control that has to go.

This eclipse sandwich has been bringing up rage and grief equally for me. I’ve been doing the alchemical work to wrestle with those shitty feelings— which means allowing them in and feeling every bit of it before trying to change or transform anything. It means laying in a ball on the floor for as long as I need to. This sucks in the short term, of course. But this is what I’m talking about with the avoidance thing. These are valid feelings based on my experience— there’s nothing wrong with us when we are in these states. They are part of the normal cycle of having feelings.

After the anguish subsides, I start untangling the knotted up ball, thread by thread.

Which is why I have a blog.

I share my experience with you not because I want to necessarily, but I am compelled to as a spiritual teacher. My art is my medicine and writing is part of my art, as is performing and painting. But really my art is LIFE itself, where I’m a living example of a different way of being and moving in the world. A way that doesn’t compromise or apologize for being spiritual, sexual and funny. That’s just me. I no longer hide these parts of myself.

I used to hide.

I used to hide my spirituality from the hedonistic cabaret-burlesque world. I used to hide the partying burlesque world from my spiritual life. And I used to try to be “serious” about spirituality instead of making any jokes about it. But keeping those things separate had to end. It wasn’t a real version of me on either side.

Yes, I do yoga, pray, talk to angels and eat well…I also drink too much and smoke sometimes and like to dance dance mostly naked on stages in front of audiences. I don’t carry shame about it anymore.

Do you understand how many times I had to hurl myself into vulnerability in order to take the risk of being ME? Do you know how many times I’ve been rejected for it? Do you know that I would rather die trying to be me than to fit myself into someone else’s narrow idea of who I’m supposed to be?

IT IS FUCKING BORING TO PLAY SMALL.

IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE BECAUSE IT SQUEEZES ME TOO TIGHT.

I have been at this for a long time, ya’ll.

I have been waiting so patiently, trying to stay in my lane and just do my own alchemy. I’m tired of working on myself. I need the big collective YOU to show up more. We need each other, we need to make things together. I feel like the ripest fruit dying on the vine and it makes me rage. Because I think I’m fucking delicious, when I’m being treated like I’m damaged or dangerous. I imagine the Earth itself feels a version of this. She’s not damaged or dangerous either.

De-program yourselves.

Break the cycle.

Step out of the karmic loop.

Get out of your head and into your heart.

Make new habits.

Lean into what is ancient and lasting.

Risk connection.

Develop the eyes to see and ears to hear beyond what we are being fed.

Men— why are you so resistant to any change? Yes, the world is fucked up and turned against you, but that has happened to literally everyone at this point. You’re not special and your absence is felt. The “work” of learning the yin path is so satisfying. Stop believing you’re a terminal case and some medicine or psychedelic experience or doctor is going to fix you. You fix you. Explore your body with movement, baths, self-massage, yoga, breath work, proper food and sleep— the shit works. This is how you prime your physical vessel to RECEIVE more light, more passion, more joy. Otherwise they bounce off you because nothing can get in.

Women— why are you so resistant to change too? Yes, the past thousands of years have destroyed the Divine Feminine. But eternity is long and winding. Yes we were all probably burned at the stake a bunch of lifetimes for fighting the separating paths. But it was never about either / or. It is always both / and— and we always needed men and women and the earth and the sky. Bring this wisdom to the yang path— the path of GIVING— which needs to be done with integrity. We can make ourselves strong, balanced and flexiible inside and out. We are not fragile. We can hold complexity and differing opinions without going into Kali-like levels of destruction.

I don’t like getting into a gender disclaimer here, but now it feels obligatory since I dared refer to us all as men and women. I don’t care how people dress or who they fuck. The over focus on “identity” is ridiculous to me— because of the ancient teachings of yoga. We are so much more than this human vehicle- we are God incarnate. We’ve all incarnated before as men, women, villains, heroes, masters, slaves, whores, prophets, trees, birds, rats, bugs, all of it. If this makes me a racist transphobe nazi….so be it. Not the first time I’ve been called that. And I still like myself the way I am.

I invite everyone to love, accept and cultivate their natural body at every age and stage of life. I am not a fan of unnecessary surgery of any kind, nor do I believe in dependence on drugs or substances. I have spent my lifetime working with holistic medicine, with great results. (Except when I broke my knee, I went to the hospital but wound up doing all my own rehabilitation.)

ANYWAY.

I guess I needed to get this off my chest.

The “work” does not have to be all about trauma. To me, trauma is ridiculous too— it’s just LIFE. We are resilient not weak. We literally come here to experience really fucked up things so we have the experience. I even believe the people who hurt us most agreed to be the ones to do this when we made our soul contracts. Everyone is playing their role to catalyze growth. So, I think that me and my biggest “enemies” in this lifetime will laugh and hug it out when we cross back over to spirit on the other side.

Learning about myself and seeing my patterns is satisfying, rewarding and it never really ends— because it becomes a lifestyle. All you’re doing is re-membering your most innocent self. This is why it’s referred to as “inner child work”— we heal the past, rediscover what is unique about ourselves, what we purely love and then we spend as much time as possible dwelling in that child-like wonder, exploration and play— as our authentic soul-selves.

Become the adult version of the innocent dreamer you were as a kid.

It’s so sweet.

And yet, it’s so fucking easy for people to blow off me and my work because I CHOOSE FUN. People don’t really take me seriously. I don’t even apply for arts grants these days because they only want drama, difficulty, injustice, division. It’s gross. When I finished my degree I was like— well, the art world will never actually change the world because people want to have fun. My driving question became— how do I say something real and true in the most fun way possible? I stared with community water ballets and a puppet show with hot dogs. I went on to sexually empowered physcial comedy. I’m still fulfilling the same mission today.

Or trying to.

But I’m feeling very alone out here in life. I can’t hold up a world that I make sense in all by myself. I’m tired. I miss my friends, partners, lovers, collaborators and like-minded renegades who have big hearts and give big hugs.

I wish I had people and places who could hold me in my complexity so that I can do what I do what I do more fully, more outrageously, for a broader audience, in a reciprocal and sustainable way.

For the rest of my life.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

This is my wish, my hope and my prayer.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Please and thank you.

Amen, hallelujah, namaste, rock’n’roll.

Good night and good luck,

Trixie