Howdy Kumquats—
Happy Easter!
Hippity Hoppity, Yeshua is back in town!
Huzzah! Just in the knick of time, too. LOL.
I wasn’t going to send anything today, but I didn’t sleep well last night— worried I had left you with fear or dread about things. So, I wanted to clarify.
I truly feel hopeful, I want you to know that.
Even though this is all very sobering. We can do this, but I don’t think we can do it alone. We’ve been trying that— just minding our business and getting by, hoping things will just get better. We need to wake up and work together.
“Choice before force” is a reminder that we have free will. And force doesn’t have to mean violence. The powers-that-were have forced us into all kinds of situations we don’t like. They will make it seem like we don’t have a choice.
We make a hundreds of tiny choices every day. Not all of them are good. We make a lot of very unconscious choices. It’s very convenient to keep right on using Amazon, not composting cause it’s messy or inconvenient, throwing out appliances or clothes instead of repairing, mending them, or giving them away…Not to mention the choices we make with substances, the internet, letting ourselves be distracted, etc.
Pick your poison, I guess. I’m not judging how you do it. It’s complicated.
What I do know is that we can’t keep treating this as a disposable world.
The message felt like a call to action and a reminder that WE HAVE SO MUCH POWER. We aren’t using it when we act like a victim, stick our head in the sand or get all spun out worrying. We can decide how this goes. We don’t have to wait for something bad to happen to us. We can take positive action.
So, I hope you’re still with me and not bummed out.
Back to the story…
What Ayahuasca Showed Me—
Part 3: THE WHY
On Saturday night, we moved upstairs and squished into a smaller, warmer place. Earlier in the day we had all met for integration— to talk about our experiences. Everyone had a completely unique and profound journey.
I felt weak and wrung out like a rag. I wasn’t sure I was up for another round. I was a little scared to be shown any more. But I was here for this, called to it even— and I had a responsibility to be the lighthouse. Luckily the mood felt very different that night. Haru said there would be more singing, that we had to have fun too. Even ceremonies can’t be all serious.
Whew.
I felt restless internally, though. My question about HOW from last night was not answered.
I drank my medicine again. It came on the same way it had the night before, but there was a shadow visible on the bouncing, bobbing cartoon world. I saw how all of Creation is made up of light and dark, just like Creator is. I wasn’t afraid of it, just alert. Prepared for anything.
Haru, in his ceremonial regalia, was backlit by a window as the sun set and looked like a king— though he said he is a prince— the Prince of a Forest Kingdom.
When the force of the medicine arrived, I felt Grandmother just reach right in and spread my legs open. She was like patting my inner thighs and vulva— and this technicolor geometric cartoon pattern rippled out in all directions as if my flesh were cosmic water. It was intricate geometric lines on magenta with flecks of sparkling turquoise and yellow. I felt myself waking up “down there” and resisted a little.
She wanted me to trust, so I relaxed. She was showing me how I could do this myself— and that I had let my sexual energy go to sleep. I was scared she was waking a sleeping dragon.
I wondered if the others could see what was happening, but figured they had their own thing going on. I could not deny that I had not felt very sexual for along time. I have been single way longer than I ever imagined— 8 years. And despite having lovers here and there, I longed for a real, grown ass man to call my own. I felt I had been patiently waiting for men to do the work, heal themselves and return to the world. I have been frustrated with them, angry even. But I waited and have been patient.
But not having a partner seemed like a serious condition for someone with so many Scorpio placements in their chart, like me. Scorpios rule over the genitals and the house of sex-death-transformation. We commune spiritually through sex.
I thought of how misunderstood Scorpios are. I saw one of those masks with 3 different faces. One each for— sex, the creation— death, the destruction— transformation, the process between. It started spinning faster and faster— until they blurred into one. I understood there is no real difference between them and that there is a right timing for each.
I was sad that people are so scared of death. I believe our souls are eternal, only the body dies. That’s a great comfort to me, but not everyone thinks that. People have to have all kinds of scientific proof about stuff, but that’s not how The Mystery works. Even I didn’t always think that and life was pretty bleak. It feels better to believe in The Mystery.
Grandmother was still slapping me like a newborn baby to get the blood and life force flowing into my loins again. She seemed to be saying I did not do all this work on myself just to let parts of me go back to sleep. She was playfully roughing me up a bit— wanting to see my chakras lit up and flashing like a pinball machine.
Earlier that day, a woman had said that after doing many ceremonies, she has learned the hard way to “come correct” to Grandmother. You better be humble or you’re in for a rough ride.
The more you experience, the more realize you don’t know anything.
That same woman used the phrase— “Fuck around and find out” (FAFO for short) to describe not taking any shit from people in LA.
Fuck around and find out.
That was very much the energy I felt Saturday night. Grandmother seemed very spicy and bold.
There was more guitar playing and singing.
I focused on the roses in the middle of the room. The rose would slowly distort and reveal a ghoulish shadowy face and then turn back into a rose. The grotesque and the beautiful seemed like two sides of the same coin.
I was shown devils and demons sputtering out on the floor in front of me, like used up fireworks.
I wasn’t scared of them because they really didn’t have that much power. They used up their energy creating illusion and they flopped around like a fiery used condom.
The little devils seemed like by-products of our mind, just crap that has to be gotten out of us. I wondered if this is what all the throwing up with ayahuasca was about. Eventually, we are all finding our way back to Source, but many of us sure put up a fight with ourselves along the way. Source has all the time in the world to play the long game. We let our wounds go untended and get trapped negativity— making prisons for ourselves. Energy has to go somewhere. Positive or negative.
I saw how energy can take form.
I also saw how people choke on joy, unable to let it in.
Seeing the sputtering devils was a small moment, but it was a deep understanding. I spent a solid two years learning about this group of Angels from the Jewish mystical tradition Kabbalah, that are called the Shem Ham Phorash Angels. There are 72 of them.
They each corresponded to the wheel of the zodiac with different elements, colors, sounds and personalities, basically. They all have these normal angel-y sort of gifts, which you would expect. But there was also a lot of elaboration on the way they each disposed of demons— which kinds and how. Disposing of demons just seemed just like it was part of the job— no different than a plumber having to unclog a drain.
Back then, I was very uncomfortable with this. I didn’t want to bring any extra demons my way and felt like I only wanted to deal with the “good stuff.” I was superstitious even about reading about these demons.
It just all felt so Biblical…or medieval.
Every 3-4 days the wheel of the zodiac changes decan and I’d read about another angel— I did this two whole rounds of the wheel of the zodiac— for 2 years. Virgo moon. I would ask to work with them and try to focus on the positive.
On ayahuasca, I could see that I kept turning away from the reality— which is that there are demonic forces in the world.
Sitting there, it seemed so childish to me. They exist, but they don’t have real power. Yes, they can gather force and grow bigger, but our ability to alchemize is a super power. It did seem way better to know about them and know how to put them in their place. The dark has to be tempered and trained.
Maturity felt like accepting, but not tolerating. There’s a difference. We can accept someone and love them, but that does not mean we have to tolerate their abuse for one second.
Fuck around and find out.
It’s all here for us, it all can be worked with.
I don’t have to LIKE demons, but it sure would be nice to get skilled at deflecting or transforming them. I can’t keep hiding from the complexity of reality.
I thought of the Angels and their specific demon-disposing skills.
Have a spiritual toothache?
Spiritual toe fungus?
Spiritual hemorrhoid?
The Angels got you covered.
Angels are actually pure light. Whereas Source is light and dark, just like us.
Negative thoughts, actions and energy can take on form. Re-enchantment is probably going to be more like that, where we start to see how energy takes form. We need to learn.
I kept watching them sputter out.
I thought of The Smiths song— There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.
The real light…the one that comes from Source, the light we carry inside of us— THAT light is an unwavering flame that never dies. It can’t be put out. It makes us kind of invincible. I watched a candle flame for a long time.
Eventually Grandmother spoke up.
The dark is part of me too, do you still love me?
Yes, I said.
What about now?
Yes.
If I call you, will you answer?
Yes.
If I show myself, will you turn away?
No.
If I call, will you answer?
Yes.
This went on and on until I had to throw up. I barely made it to the bucket and got some on my sweater. I saw my puke pulsing in a technicolor grid pattern with a face looking back at me from the bottom of the bucket, mocking me, in a way.
I recognized that my dedication was being tested.
This is me too, the puke said.
Do you still love me?
Yes.
The technicolor geometric image of all the animals and plants was there. Grandmother pulled it back like a sheet and revealed an even simpler sketch of the world— almost like a connect-the-dots.
It was closer than my own eyeball.
I understood this to be the most simplest underlying structure behind every thing in Creation.
It was—The Pattern of Creation.
Everything has a pattern.
I felt like a child. I was dumbfounded by the complexity and simplicity. An eel became the water it was swimming in. A dragonfly became the air. And then I saw a human baby in the womb. Watching Creation unfold made tears fall out of my face. It was…perfect.
I felt pressed up against the Pattern of Creation like my face was smooshed into a glass window. I saw how the pattern was being messed with on a deep fundamental level— like the glitching from the night before.
With a stone cold chilliness,
Grandmother finally answered my question about HOW—
You take this seriously. That’s how.
She was Fuck-Around-And-Find-Out serious.
This is not a joke, child.
You are not a joke.
You are Divine.
This is all Divine.
This is not something to take lightly or disrespect any longer.
She impressed upon me that I could not begin to fathom all of the beings that have been part of this Creation on Earth, shaping everything on the planet over aeons of time, from every corner of the Universe. More has gone into this than we will ever know and we have taken it for granted for too long. We fucked around, and we found out, and now it’s time to understand so we can fix it.
It’s time to grow up.
I understood that we are each a unique Divine Creation within an endlessly-evolving bigger Divine Creation. I understood that when we treat ourselves badly, we treat God badly. It’s not that we have to go “out there” and fix Nature. We first have to love ourselves like it will save the whole world. Because it will. We can’t love anything until we learn how to love ourselves.
This is not a joke.
Do you understand?
Yes.
HOW was a foolish human question. Grandmother didn’t care how, how we do it is up to us. Grandmother is concerned with WHY this all matters so much.
I thought back to all the horrible ways I talked to myself when I was younger. The way I needed validation from others, internalized their opinions, let people use me and walk all over me, compromised my values and got paralyzed by perfectionism. It filled me with sadness.
I wasn’t always nice to myself.
It’s been a process.
She impressed upon me the need to take myself and my gifts seriously— to use them even more boldly than I had been. I was only scratching the surface of what is possible for me to do. And many lineages of ancestors are counting on me to further the Creation in this lifetime, to leave my mark.
We are blessed with a body that is the housing for our little drop of Source Sauce— our soul. It is our job to revere, guard and protect ourselves, too, because we are also God. We have to love ourselves back into connection with Source and Nature— with every fiber of our being.
It fucking matters.
No more disrespect.
No more going back to sleep.
This is not something to be trifled with.
There is no going back.
Fuck around and find out.
When this moment ended, I felt the full weight of responsibility land in my bones. It was on me and in me. I saw how Grandmother showed me that I can walk in the world in the— Fuck Around and Find Out— way, that makes people think twice before disrepecting. It’s not about using threats or violence.
There is a fierceness to walking with integrity, to using the Sacred No and understanding the power of creation and destruction. Hopefully we don’t have to demonstrate that fierceness, but Grandmother was testing me to see if I could be trusted and if I was strong enough to be an ambassador.
It wasn’t just our lives at stake here— there is more than we can fathom counting on us to protect what is precious right now. We are the ones here, in bodies, incarnated during this time, for this purpose. It’s our turn at bat. It is our job to sing, laugh, hug and dance ourselves and the Earth back into wholeness. We will find it through joy.
So, the better question to have asked would have been—
WHY? Why does this matter.
Because all of Creation is at stake.
All the hard years now felt like they were my initiation. This was it. The timer went off on my oven— DING! Time to get to work.
The last major download of the journey was about the power of destruction.
Wherever we focus our thoughts, emotions, energy, eyes and hands— grows. Those are the tools. When we focus on whatever illusion the powers-that-were is propping up, it becomes stronger. It becomes more real because our belief is holding it up.
When we take away our focus, things being to dissolve. It can take a while. We don’t always have to take action to destroy, just by putting our focus somewhere else, that has the power to destroy. Neglect will kill a living being, remember that.
Now, before you get your knickers in a bunch about “destroy” sounding too violent and wanting a more palatable word— let me remind you this entire thing has been about training ourselves for the bitter and resisting the sugar coating.
That said, you could think of destroy as any of these D words too—
destruction— deconstruction— dissolution—demolition—disempowerment—de-manifesting (a word my friend told me the other day).
De-constructing feels accurate for the larger project of taking things back down to their foundation in order to rebuild.
The foundation has to be healthy. There cannot be a seed of greed, fear, opportunism, or materialism in your heart when you start to create either. You must do it with love in your heart. Otherwise, it won’t last. That is poisoning the well. We have been living with that way of being, we have mimicked it because we believed “that’s just how the world is.”
That’s not true. The world is how we make it.
It’s the million tiny choices we make everyday— how we talk to ourselves, how much we let in beauty and joy, how deeply we appreciate Nature, what we spend our time doing, what we believe is true and real— the stories we tell ourselves.
We have the power to create and to destroy and we can use discernment to know when it is time for which. Stop being childish about the destructive power that is inside of us. Learn how to use it for good, to harness it. It’s there to be used, not avoided.
Meanwhile, back in the ceremony….the mood was much lighter. Haru invited us all to share a song. This time, I sang one that I had tried out on some huge Douglas Fir trees on the coast about a month ago. I swear I saw felt them laughing, which I took as a success. The song was Like A Virgin by Madonna.
I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn’t know how lost I was until I found you
Hayra came back and sang some more. The two of them together looked like the embodiment of the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine— the King and the Queen. It was beautiful to witness.
We had integration that night in the circle.
Haru said the most beautiful things afterwards.
I’ll share those tomorrow.
Until then,
Trixie
Absolutely powerful message.